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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 23, 2014 1:00am-1:31am PST

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ll? how you even get in there? - la-la-la-la-la-la-la! - he doesn't even look like me. - i'm rollin' so hard right now. i'm [bleep] peaking. - nice. [dog snorting] [party horn honks] comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. pbs anchor hari sreenivasen is join us. i want to thank the audience for coming out on what say truly a god forsaken evening with this
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global warming hoax proving weather. every nation has leaders that fail to live up to the integrity of their office. whether it's greed, incompetence or an insatiable need to smoke crack. to be fair this is before mayor rob ford sought help. this is from two nights ago in toronto. >> [speaking incoherently] >> jon: it's interesting canada has two official languages and i believe that was neither of them. [laughter] of course back here in the states it's the governors currently sucking the glass palm beach metaphorically. >> new accusations against chris christie. former virginia governor bob mcdonnell and his wife face criminal charges. >> jon: both are juicy. the allegedly bullying the
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governor of the state where i grew up. or the allegedly corrupt governor of state i went to college. last time christie childly boxed traffic. what did they do this time? >> hoboken mayor dawn zimmer said that the lieutenant governor thriferred what she called a threat on the governor's behalf to withhold sandy relief funds for her city if she did not support a development project. >> jon: that is some old school (bleep) new jersey corruption. nice city, be a shame if something happened to it. something did. it's underwater. still do what we say. what does virginia has going. >> governor mcdonnell and his wife asked for and received thousands in money and gift from a virginia businessman johnny williams eager for state help in promoting his company's line of
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dietary supplements. [laughter] >> jon: ah, the old governor and his wife get you to pay them to promote your dietary supplement. we've seen this before. it explains the state's new motto, virginia is for 10,000 milligrams of niacin. when we say money and gift what's we talking about here? >> tens of thousand of free flights. >> the catered chicken dinner at the governor's daughter's wedding. another $10,000 for the wedding of the governor's other daughter. >> jon: whoa, whoa, what is wrong with the other daughter. you are going to throw down 15,000 from some beautifully braised chicken marsala and daughter number two comes around saying i'm getting married. you get a cobb salad filled with pickle fries. that's what you get. that makes you thirstier. we never liked you charlene.
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any way, what else did the governor and his wife get? >> a three-day vacation at a multimillion lakehouse and a $190,000 white ferrari for the governor to drive while there. >> jon: sure when you are a paid public servant on vacation you have to keep a low profile. it's bribing material. >> two sets of golf clubs, two iphones, and 30 boxes of an expensive anti-inflammatory. [ laughter ] >> jon: whoa! now you are talking my language. [ laughter ] 30 boxes of top shelf anti-inflammatory. black label anti-inflammatory. how does that back room deal go down? you want my help with your product. i'm going to write a number down that is going get this done. it's the number to my pharmacist. you can --
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[laughter] -- call in a prescription and get the coated stuff. the other stuff gives me the -- he knows the dosage. there's no way the new jersey story has the funds -- fun details. the new jersey story cannot have the fun details of prescription strength graphs ex mississippi governor wants to weigh in on the veracity of the hoe boeingen mayor's claims. >> the news media is willing to leap at any farfetched story where the basis of fact is unbelievable. this say lady mayor jorchghts whoa whoa, lady mayor? i believe they prefer to be called mayormoiselles, mayor-ette or mayor. [ laughter ] the mayor of hoboken has been accused. what evidence do you have of the threats. >> i wrote in my journal at the
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time because i was total -- i mean i was upset. >> jon: you wrote it in your journal. first of all, as we heard earlier you are not a man, mayor, you don't have a journal. you are a lady mayor, you have a diary. [laughter] but -- but. >> i couldn't believe what she was saying to america i talk about everything with governor christie and what has happened here and it end ends and we talk about my husband and how much i love him. >> jon: i didn't know diaries had a b story. this has risen to the legal of must be brought to life on our show. jess? ♪ >> dear diary, i met with the lieutenant governor today she threatened to withhold the money
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for hoboken. reminds me of how i want to get home to my husband and get ho-bonking with him. who i love very much as you know from previous entries. thank you. [ applause ] >> jon: so mayor zimmer's diary outlines that christie's lieutenant governor kim guadagno threatened her. >> i thought his a good relationship with the mayor of hoboken. the mayor once told me there was an empty hole and she asked me help her find a company to fill it. we did. [ laughter ] >> jon: you know in new jersey that could mean so many things. maybe one of them good. [ laughter ] i would love to know what lady mayor zimmer thought after this exchange. -- thought of that exchange. >> dear diary, today i feel
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positively ho-broken. thank god for you diary my trusty outlet for recording things i'll later need to present as hard evidence. speaking of which it's date night. wink, wink aroooga, huba, huba mommy likey. thank you. [ applause ] >> jon: back to virginia. why would possible presidential contender bob mcdonnell and his wife maureen risk evidence for a sports car and some admittedly high end anti-inflammatory medication. >> let me read one of e-mails from mrs. mcdonnell. i need talk to you about inaugural clothing budget. i need answers and bob is screaming about the thousands i'm wracking up in credit card debt. we're broke. >> jon: we know somebody needs to sit them down and give them straight talk about financial
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responsibility. >> you can't spend more than you have. >> spending is out of control at a lot of levels of government. >> we have to live within our means. >> until we manage the government's money like people manage their own money. >> jon: you have to wonder what was going through her mind around that time. perhaps jessica williams can enlighten us with this. ♪ >> dear diary, vitamin boy better come through with that dress i will (bleep) shove those horse pills so far up his ass he will wish he never paid for my daughter's wedding or other daughter's wedding. those plane trips and incredibly effective and much needed
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the program. now this week we celebrated martin luther king, jr.'s birthday as always an occasion to pause and assess how far that we've come in terms of race relations. for more we're joarnd by senior black correspondent larry wilmore, larry -- [cheers and applause] on this auspicious occasion, larry, how far have we come in race relations? >> well, jon, i think i can most eloquently express my answer in
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the form of an awards show. >> jon: sorry? >> roll it, chuck. >> i'm not going to sit here and tell everything i have done. >> nasty things to america. >> george bush didn't care about black people. >> don't you ever talk about me. >> who was talking about you? >> comedy central prevents the first annual wilmore awards! [cheers and applause] >> jon: never even heard of it. the wilmores? >> here we go, jon. >> jon: what is that a wrecking ball there? >> yeah, yeah. we're honoring the progress we've made as black people. >> jon: that's nice. isn't that actually what the naacp image awards are for? >> please, jon have you seen how many white people are nominated. justin timberlake, dallas buyer's club modern family, robin thicke. i would admit blurred lines is an inclusive video and dr. king did say i have a dream that
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black girls will one day dance naked with white girls. >> jon: i don't think he said that. >> doesn't mean he didn't dream it. [laughter] >> jon: so the -- this is a wrecking ball, yes? >> yes, this is the wrecking ball. right there, very nice. >> jon: very nice. >> thank you very much. i designed it myself. >> jon: very nice. >> now the wilmores honor outstanding achievement in breaking down barriers that nobody asked you to break. okay? the first ever wilmore award goods to the naacp image awards. >> jon: very nice. [ applause ] >> for giving black artists yet another chance to lose to white nominees at the very ceremony invented to honor black artists. >> jon: i get the sense the wilmore will not be a coveted award. >> of course it is, jon. i know you want it. >> jon: no, i don't want it. >> the next wilmore is the i'm
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so color blind i don't see black people award. it goes to giant grocery store in washington, d.c. by welcoming students back to howard university an historically black college with this ad. so the message is, hey brothers order a pizza, you get a free white women. >> jon: isn't being color blind a good thing. >> when there's nobody around but black people it's not color blind it's just blind. the next category is outstanding achievement in victim oppressor role reversal. >> there's a message for president obama on martin luther king day in honor of martin luther king and all who commit to ending any racial divide no more playing the race card. >> jon, what an amazing performance! oh, my gosh! think about it. think about what she did, jon, to pull the racial victimhood
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switch-aroo on mlk's birthday. >> jon: i have a feeling sarah palin will win a lot of these bad boys. she'll be like the meryl streep of the wilmore awards. >> i don't get it. >> jon: like a talented person who wins a -- i mean the angela bass set. >> i get it. funny joafnlg that's good. [ laughter ] -- funny joke. that's good. now on to the major boundary breakers. next is the award for white people who think it's okay now for them to use the n word. and the winner is madonna. >> madonna posted a picture of her son rocco boxing and the caption was mama said knock you out #dis-n word. >> adopting a black kid isn't like getting a flu shot. it doesn't inknock late you from
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using the phrase disnigger. >> jon: if that's what she calls the white kid what does she call the adopted children from africa. >> i don't know dode niggas. >> jon: i did interrupt? >> time for a moment of silence for the races we lost this year. ♪ [laughter] >> jon: so that's where we are on the week of mlk's birthday? >> yes, that's where we are, jon. we've made great strides towards racial hormny but it's discouraging that a black man can't get passionate about something he has worked hard for his entire life without a bunch of anonymous racists on twitter unleashing a nigga-lanche of
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insults. >> jon: let's hope our society undergoes a niggalution, if will you, hopefully that will change things. congratulations. >> thank you. >> jon: larry wilmore, everybody we've be right
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chaz. >> jon: welcome back my guest tonight the weekend anchor of pbs newshour. please welcome to the program hari sreenivasen. [cheers and applause] hello. ♪ first of all, congratulations to you. >> thank you. >> jon: you are now, you were reporting for newshour during the week and now you are the weekend anchor. >> yes, it's a half hour show but it's still called the newshour. two half hours make an hour, so yeah. >> jon: i know. [ laughter ] i watch pbs. listen to me, you do long form reporting -- >> yeah. >> jon: not sensationalized.
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the stories are well thought out. they are not focused on conflict. they are focused on issues of governance and corruption s. that why you need outside money to keep going? >> it's the last place on tv where you can find intelligent informed people disagree agreeably. we total missed twerking. we didn't cover miley cyrus nearly enough and we might get an award for that. >> jon: if it comes back around, you should think about it again. i think it will. [laughter] do you watch other news programs? >> yes. >> jon: do you watch the 24 24 24 hour network? >> a few, not all 24. >> jon: i do. do you think i know those folks. they are friends of mine. many are smart reporters, oh, my god what have they done to them? >> i used to work at abc and cbs and i have friends at both
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networks and others as well. we're in a public service mission. they are in an audience business. they are doing what it takes to try to build audiences and make money. we like the audience, frankly but that's not what we're doing. i think that our goal is to try to give you something to make you think. and hopefully expands your horizons. everything from pbs kids programs to documentaries to the stuff -- >> jon: now i can see why they want to shut you guys down. [ laughter ] >> every american spends about $1.35. for that you get this entire channel from downton abbey to the kids stuff to ken burns documentaries. >> jon: this just turned into a pledge drive, what the hell just happened here? [laughter] all i'm saying is you get this tote bag and a copy of the flaiter mouse signed by beverly sills. that's at the $60 level. >> jon: do you feel like news budgets have shrunk. when you look at the news business are they doing a diss
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service by creating -- disservice by creating so much noise ands that had a solved problems or is is that putting too much emphasis on the power they wield? >> i think it's an inappropriate amount of emphasis? if you continue to create a content that is weak, to put it mildly, i don't that i this you are going to have an informed citizenry that makes informed decisions. if you watch the half hour nighty newscast, it shifted a tremendous amount since i immigrated here. at that time there were three guys. >> jon: wait a minute, now you cell our news? >> yeah, there's that. >> jon: that's my people's job. it's a little back and forth ethnic humor. [ laughter ] but i understand that. you know, but it almost feels like the shows at night now don't drive the agendal. the agenda is really driven now on the 24-hour shows and
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buttressed by some of the more inflammatory blog outlets. >> the bargain used to be give me 22 minute and i'll show you the world. i've read the newspapers and tile you what you need to know. but now it's i'll tell you the news but i'll tell you what you want to know. i can program a channel people watch besides comedy central. >> jon: i if you can do that we would appreciate it. >> you'll have car chases and fires and scantily clad people. and that will sell great, right? >> jon: wrong answer. [ laughter ] >> but that's not news to me. if tiger woods makes news let espn cover it. if the kardashians make news let e channel cover it. if i'm a decider but what i want to share with you that's not it. >> jon: what happened with the kardashians? did they make news is it khloe is she okay? she's fine. >> jon: thank you. i appreciate it.
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what you watch news is to look at the juxtaposition between what is making the front page of respected papers ant focus of 24 hour news networks they are outrage and conflict oriented and it's just noise. >> when you look at the math on how much it takes to make an original report from somewhere. you send a news crew out somewhere. it might cost $5,000. you come back at the network level with two minutes of tv. could you have a satellite window and have two people yell at each other for 15 minutes for $300. what would you rather do? or you could press a button and take a live helicopter from los angeles. i'm not saying they are that motivated by money but trust me over time facts are expensive and speebs in the fact business. >> i appreciate it. that little description there, i believe is cnn's new mission. it airs sunday saturday and sunday at 6:00 p.m.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the first person of a mayor who happened to be a man. the second person was a mayor who happened to be a lady. >> stephen: tonight, can we trust the people with their finger on the button? i don't know, where's their other finger. (laughter) then, a new way to live life to the fullest-- continue sitting on the couch to find out. and my guest, journalist charles duhigg says we make many of our decisions out of pure habit. not true. i mostly make my decisions out of pure spite. the recent blizzard cracked a giant glass panel at new york's apple store. they can get it fixed for free-- if they don't tell apple it got wet. (laughter) this is "the colbert


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